notes for my therapist
hi!
i did the scary today. ive done a lot of scaries, actually, while you were off on vacation.
i sent an email to a college professor, to ask and see if i could enroll in his course. to my surprise, he didn't implode with anger at the outrageous request ~ he just said "no Problem"
one of my husband's brothers drove me to the university, and astoundingly gave me a tour. and i told him the course i was taking. and no one laughed or said i was silly or dumb - it just.. made sense to him?
"Only so much lumping around I can do," I'd said to him. "Also I need people to talk to - there's only so much my four walls and two dogs can do for me."
And then we walked and he showed me around. We found the classroom for the class I wanted to take. Then he asked me about it's discussion - a new concept to me. We didn't really do discussions at my uni. So we went around and found that classroom too. It looked nicer than the actual classroom, but is located in a definitively spookier part of campus. I even hit 11.5k steps, when I struggle to get 4k on a decent day (last time I hit 6k I was kinda bedridden for days after).
My dad called sometime after, when we were driving back home. And as sticky wet sweat rolled down my face (I now know what that means in books), I recounted my day eagerly - unafraid of the human next to me. I just... talked freely.
After our call, while the car struggled up the large hill, my brother in law switched the AC back on, apologizing. "It just - it's so loud. It feels rude on a call." He took a wrong turn some time after that, but less bad than his earlier attempt to drive into oncoming traffic (he'd just traveled back from London - I hear they drive on the other side there).
My abuela called later that day. She lives in another country, one where mental health isn't a real thing, according to them. But we chatted anyways about my struggles, about how.. silly it felt, to be this chained to a short-circuiting brain. I shared my upcoming wedding plans, the date, and just how life had been going - I had ignored her last five years of birthday messages, after all. We were both happy I managed to catch her calling this time.
I often liken my anxiety to other things, to try and wrap my head around it. Try and turn it from this weird unknown thing that has such an iron-clad grip on every phase of my existence.
But hey, therapist mine. I did the scaries today. I learned to give myself a little more of a presence today. I felt a little less ghost-like today.
You know, it's a little funny. I'm not sure I've talked about it before on here, but my ex gave me a book - the Invisible Life of Addie Larue. And I have felt so, so much like her. I cried when I read the book, it felt like it tore me open.
Thank you for listening, or something. Hope your vacation went well!