more notes for my therapist
hi again!
today i did another big thing. i walked into my professor's office hours, asked a question and then managed to follow that up with another question! it was about the homework - which felt scary and nervewracking but also super huge. most importantly, i didn't self-implode and i walked away feeling really proud of myself - no one called me dumb, no one pointed fingers at me.
i also managed to chat a little with another student. she's the same one i managed to get an awkward smile out of a few classes ago. she seems really focused. i know im just making up things, but i imagine her to be so dedicated to her research lab stuff that she's "begrudgingly" coming to class. but also just happy to learn, but that same tired you get when you're stretched thin as is. she shows up with her ipad, takes pictures of the notes and then runs off to wherever next. she just seems like a really hurried person.
i have little stories like this for all my classmates. the guy who sometimes-sometimes not sits next to me in class. like me, he's a spiral notebook and pencil kind of student. always with his same outfit, staring at his phone until the professor comes in. he looked like an old classmate of mine, so i feel a weird comfort in his silence. i sat next to him on the first day. we have not exchanged words, but i saw him give an extra syllabus to someone who was running late - he's a nice person in my book.
i couldn't really tell you much about the people who sit behind me, if i'm being completely honest. they feel like an opaque, general, judgy mass of eyeballs, analyzing every small movement i make. when i put the metal water bottle down a little too hard. the color of the pen i chose to use that day. the size of my handwriting. the fact that i'm on a notebook at all, instead of an ipad. that they somehow intrinsically 'know' that i don't actually belong, that i'm not actually one of them at all.
i'm pretty sure that above is why i'm seeing a therapist. something about it just, i don't know. screams anxiety?
ha.
i got a new car! it's actually an old car, but my friend said their parents' cars are older, so i feel bad now saying it's on the older end. but it's old, and i see it as old. i call it mavy-wavy. sometimes gravy. i heard it on a commercial over the radio a couple weeks ago (well - they kept saying things that rhymed with gravy but never the word gravy and that frustrates me) and it ended up sticking. her full government mandated name is actually maeve. so, hence the mavy-wavy.
it really is a fun car to drive though. which is funny, because i'm not really a car person at all. i like some cars, like i enjoy a nice Porsche (not the sedan ones, more like the two seaters) or a Corvette. occasionally I can appreciate a Mustang. I have a soft spot for Lexusesesses, an old classmate of mine had an older convertible one and he always looked so cool driving into robotics like that (what a funny statement). A Lexus (a different one, one of the sedan ones) was also the first car I drove, and what I got my license in, and so just a general overall softer spot for those too. I used to really like Teslas, my mom never did but I just liked how clean and uncluttered they looked. I don't think I really liked their giant ipad displays though, those just confused me. I need buttons.
Honestly though I just want something like a small Beetle or a Leaf. I drove a Leaf for a bit before it's lease was up, and I just really enjoyed how toy-like it felt. I never felt like I was driving for real, it was just so small and cozy. I still couldn't parallel park it - which I think is the funniest part of this whole thing. Because my new-old car is a literal (not literal) limo. I had to measure the garage just to make sure it'd fit beforehand, it's so long. But we tied up a tennis ball and I figured out it lurches a little when I park it and put on the e-brake, so I think I'm getting more comfortable with the whole parking situation. It also helps that the roads here are so wide.
I think it's funny that I come on here and blurb my thoughts and all, instead of spending every second studying for my upcoming midterm. But like, it's also late at night and I'm trying to make sure I develop a little bit of a healthier sleep schedule. I also think I'll be studying quite a bit tomorrow, and I'd rather have a fresher brain tomorrow.
Much love,
Marina
p.s. (oh i also managed to chat with another student for a whole 15 minutes - i was very proud of how social i managed to be and i think i came across a lot more myself which was really fun).