have a funny interaction
so... it's my first day of uni! (also lots of internal reflection abt adhd, anxiety & depression - so don't read ahead if that bores you)
naturally, im chock-full of adrenaline, anxiety, and worst of all - 5 hours of sleep. my one chance at a ride before my class starts is at 7 in the morning (he's got an 8am - my luck!) so i have about 4 hours to stew (and review - im doing my best to succeed here!).
but today is a win no matter what else happens today (within limits). we are blending in at all costs (even if i dont). i did my makeup and felt good about my outfit (basic shirt, jeans that fit). my hair was clean and not oily. my claw clip drapes my hair in a almost messy way that i really like. i also covered up all my stickers on my laptop in a really funny way, just with two pieces of cardstock paper and velcro so i can take it off later if i stop being so shy about wHere i CaMe fRoM.
so i meandered over to the library after trying to make talk with my ride and we split off entering the campus. i found a little graduate wing in the corner of the second floor - i giggled inside and told myself i was going to sit there next year, when i legitimize this... attempt to get back into higher education. i searched desperately for a water refilling station - and another student asked ME a question about where the study rooms were.
folks - i have been legitimized. i pass off as a student (i mean who else really wandering the halls of a uni library with a backpack and water bottle in hand would i be).
and then i ran into him again when i scurried down the stairs (i think he was searching for this help desk) and he looked at me and i looked at him and i smiled and held up my water bottle gingerly before turning and filling it at THE WATER STATION.
sometimes i have this weird little thought (i call it my anxiety demon) that somehow i'm faking all of this, that somehow school isn't fun or exciting for me and i'm desperately trying to... i don't know. put something on me that isn't me. but then i have little interactions like that, or my brothers in law get excited that i'm trying to go back to school (somehow they don't believe i'm dumb even though i've shown them little evidence to the contrary in my head, bumming around all this time). like there's that sentence that i hear every once in a while, where if you're not... enjoying your work or its overwhelming and gives you panic attacks then you're in the wrong place.
but i'm weIRD. I think I'm just a severe anxiety and ADHD person, with some depression, and usually the panic is about external things that don't seem so visible. I chug away at circuits or circuit math? I'm happy. I get to explain class theory to classmates I respect? Beyond ludicrously happy (I still cry thinking about that - happy tears). A professor or a deadline loom over me? I am seeking out emergency therapy and finding lines to call for help.
So. I try to shove that away, I'm not pretending to be anything I'm not, really. Sometimes there just isn't an excuse for the anxiety - like it isn't some deep thing revealing some internal truth. It feels depression-linked too, in that I get so scared of doing The Thing that it tries to pull me away from doing literally Anything At All.
My therapist is doing good work with me and I am beyond grateful for her - she's a big part of why I'm even sitting here in the library right now at all.
Much love <3