coffee
sometimes a cup of okay coffee (and sugar and milk powder) is all I need to see today as a great day :)
i've been in such a creative headspace, it's been really fun. i have ideas swimming for gifts to make my husband, writing i want to fully engage in, and am enjoying my coursework overall.
it's so interesting, the more one might complain about something, the harder i strive to find enjoyment in that same thing. i'm quite contrarian - i don't really know where this came from other than always have been one. my brother and i were complete opposites in what we enjoyed. i adored sour and loathed sweet, he only ate sweet wherever possible. naturally, we had concessions to each other's preferences (we're not binary drones), but it still intrigues me how much we engaged in each others' opposites.
i only mention this because after an afternoon full of complaints about the course i'm enrolled in - i felt a deeper motivation and desire to truly engage with the material.
i think i just like this... proving others wrong. maybe it's a bit of a competitive streak (that i've tried hard to stifle otherwise), i'm not really too sure.
doesn't really help that i've begun playing Valorant (my first first-person-pew-pew game). it's begun stirring a little bit at that competitive streak inside me.
i never really liked losing, growing up. but somehow i always wound up as second or third place to others. always, i could never be the first. and i couldn't recognize that second or third weren't bad places to be, either.
but never first... and i really hated that feeling. so i worked hard at shoving that away, instead. if i couldn't be first i wouldn't be anything at all. i wouldn't register at all in the hands of anything i tried.
that's probably an interesting place for my therapist.
but i really want the high score for our next midterm. i don't want to be 3 points behind... i want to be the high score. i want to be the comparison others put their own work against.
i think maybe that's a little selfish of me. but... there's nothing wrong with trying for something. even if it's a silly little dream of mine... it's MY silly little dream. desire. wish.
it's what got me to do electrical engineering, funny enough. a classmate of mine in high school looked at me askance, and told me i'd never make it in engineering.
So i got a degree in electrical engineering. And I'll do my master's in it too, if only to further shush that annoying voice that lies in my head.
today has been a nice spell overall. i did some greek homework in preparation for my classes this week (i still have so much more - but i'm getting to a point where it's starting to click and feel less 'painful' to start). i figured out a nice home routine based on some youtuber - it really does help keep the house feeling a little smoother.
i mention that because when i broke a glass cup today - despite being hungry and dehydrated, and almost running late for my ride, i didn't really feel any panic. i just sighed, ushered the dogs back inside and swept up as much as i could, and hosed down the rest again. and then i resolved to get a cup of coffee later on campus to make up for the sweet drink i'd lost.
and the world was fine :)
I even made the sign of the cross today, while passing by a Greek Orthodox church. In FRONT of my ride (who also is Greek Orthodox lol so he makes the sign each time) which was crazy (to me). I'm still exploring my faith, and I am someone who deeply struggles with "publicizing" my faith - if that makes sense? It took me a long time (and meeting my husband) to even start exploring it more deeply within my own personal life, and it's not something I still really feel comfortable enough to start sharing or discussing with others.
I won't really get too much more into it here, but it is an important part of me, especially with where I'm at with it now, and so it didn't feel right not sharing it here. I am just happy to be engaging in open dialogue with it now (with my husband) and I really enjoy learning more about it each week (whether in Orthodoxy class or on my own).
:)
Best wishes and happiest of weeks to everyone, Marina
P.S. I know, I know - I said I wouldn't speak much more on it, but that's the reason I've been going by Marina a little more recently. It's the name of a saint I found recently (since I've been exploring converting, I wanted to find a saint that spoke to me), where she decided early on to devote herself to Christ. Some time later, even as the ruler of her town increasingly tried to pursue her, she rejected their gods, up to the point where she was thrown in prison and the devil himself tried to tempt her. But she knew his true nature and held fast, eventually engaging in literal battle with the devil. She was the first saint who... I don't know. She felt familiar, and her story was the first to really make me think deeper with regards to my faith.